Powerless Performer
I am a performer at heart. Acting out parts for others to love is my way of expressing who I am.
I can dress for you. I can say the words you have always dreamed of hearing. And if you don’t like certain parts of me? If you don’t like how I can be selfish? I can be less selfish for you. Because over time I’ve convinced myself that the audience is supposed to enjoy the show and not the performer — but a performer is the heart of the show, and a play can only last so long with a broken heart. My feet are starting to hurt from dancing on the floor you made for me — and I broke my mask. But this meant that I could now show you the real me.
People leave my life like dead leaves on a tree. My friend of six years left my life one summer ago. We had talked about being roommates, the godmothers of our future children. I would have jumped off a cliff for her if she told me to, and I did. As the sun started to come out from behind the clouds and the curtains were drawn, so did the truth. Our masks had started to unfold and who we had been in the winter was no more. She told lies about my show; who I was. Said it was all fake and made people leave mine to come to hers. Even the ones who promised to always toss me roses left. All I could do was be silent, ‘cause a performer isn’t supposed to show their broken heart to the crowd.
No one was there for me, and I didn’t know who I was without an audience. Because I am who everyone wants me to be.
I had to learn to rebuild myself and who I was without them, without scenes or acts or people to tell me when I had done well. I didn’t even have lights to make me look pretty for new people to come to my show anymore.
During that time, I learned tricks I didn’t even know were in me. I was able to find out the things I loved about myself without any eyes watching me. I explored all of me, took notes on the parts I didn’t yet fully love, and fully appreciated the parts I did. I even learned to dance without an audience.
I came out as the best person I could be. Because I truly loved my show now, even if there was no audience.
Liyah Garcia is an essay writer and poet from Northern California. She likes painting, art history, rainy days, and loves to explore the world.