Alone Time Is a Trust Exercise
“You’re so brave for eating out alone! I can never really do that.”
Whenever I share with friends and acquaintances that I like to do a lot of things alone, there’s a feeling of awe and pity that I get from them. On one end, they’re amazed that I tend to do these things with little to no company involved. On the other hand, these people seem to feel sad for me because I don’t seem to do a lot of activities that involve a friend group.
Sometimes, I feel like I have failed as a person because I don’t go out with friends that much or because I don’t have a huge social circle. I thought I would get a glow-up from being the “friendless loser” from grade school and high school, but I guess I’m still far from achieving the social glow-up that I wanted. I felt ashamed that I still don’t have a lot of friends as an adult, and that my personality is far from the agreeable, “cater to all” kind. My sense of humor is dry and peppered with obscure references. A colleague once told me that I talk like I’m straight from the internet because of the terminologies that I used regularly. I sometimes speak more English than I do Tagalog, which could be off-putting for many people (a situation that’s common in Filipino culture).
Since I barely had friends to talk to growing up, I struggled with relating to the stuff that many people my age were obsessing over. Things like Mean Girls (back in fifth grade), or something that’s trending on the internet or on TV. At that time, these challenges were something to be ashamed of. Not to mention, puberty is a cruel phase, where every interaction and choice seemed like it would lead you to the pits of uncoolness or worse (which, in hindsight, was obviously not true—the pursuit of being cool is a fruitless one).
Because of the shame that I felt, I started to embrace my own company. What was originally a response to several unpleasant life experiences has become a (mostly) positive exercise in self-discovery. Doing things alone is not a bad thing, and it shouldn’t be. This set-up has afforded me several benefits, such as being able to consume culture with little to no gatekeeping involved. It also encourages me to be more adventurous and observant about the little things.
During a trip last year to Osaka, I spent a day exploring the city alone and I was able to do things that I wanted to do, such as taking film photos, going to a museum, and visiting a dog cafe. It was also the first time that I took public transportation on my own in a foreign country, which was scary yet exciting. That “solo day” was one of those experiences where I felt truly empowered and at peace with myself. It made me realize that it’s liberating (and comforting) to be on your own. You’re not tied down to certain expectations, and you have the freedom to make choices that feel best for you. Ever since I had that day off, I’ve made a promise to myself to take myself out on solo dates more.
Doing things alone is also teaching me to trust myself. Years of rejection has compelled me to become a people-pleaser, often minimizing my own desires, needs, and opinions to be able to seek acceptance from the people I surround myself with (especially with those who bully or judge me). Sometimes, our desire to belong or fit into certain groups or communities can backfire, and it’s inevitable that we lose ourselves the more we try to do this.
Over the last few years, I’ve tried to edit my personality and interests to be more palatable to others, but I failed miserably at it. As much as I want to be a snarky little bitch just so I can be accepted by the cooler crowd, it’s not my thing. I’m too much of a softie to be mean towards others. I would rather be myself as I meet new people along the way, because I know that there will be people and communities that will accept me for who I am regardless of my interests, looks, and personality. Radical softness, everyone!
The same approach applies to pursuing new projects and tasks. I know I get overwhelmed by them easily, and I vacillate between procrastinating and giving up before actually proceeding with them. I always get inundated with negative thoughts and a lot of self-doubt whenever I take them on, and they usually get the best of me. Rather than enjoying the process of doing something, I worry about the outcome because I’m scared of being seen as a failure by others. But I’ve realized that life doesn’t work that way. It’s okay to not be at my 100% on certain days, and everything that I’m doing in life is not some exercise to prove my worth to others. What matters is that I’m doing my best regardless of the outcome.
Being alone is a trust exercise. Whether it’s trying something new or owning up to new responsibilities by yourself, you are compelled to deal with thought patterns and behaviors that may have held you back. It also opens you up to truths or breakthroughs about yourself, your relationships, and your interactions with the world. You find comfort in your weirdness, and in the process, you learn how to be more empathetic with the people around you.
Try it sometime! It doesn’t really hurt.
Lea Bolante is a 25-year old Filipina writer. Born and raised in Manila, Philippines, Lea has worked in various roles in the advertising industry, but writing remains her true love. She is learning not to attach her accomplishments and her work to her self-worth. Her writing focuses on beauty, pop culture, and processing life. You can follow her on Instagram and Twitter at @leabolante.
This article was edited by Kailah Figueroa
Copyedited by Tah Ai Jia