Separating Shame from Sex
Sex is inescapable in modern society. The internet is inundated with articles on how sex influences media, or vice versa, and how it permeates into young, adolescent, and adult minds. Sex, in itself, is used as a marker of “lost innocence,” and even to indicate one’s becoming an adult. But why do we scrutinize sex with such fervor? More importantly, why are the repercussions of sex so heavily weighted on feminine-aligning folks? Shame towards sexual relations is introduced early and is reinforced by many circles within society, such as youth culture or religion.
In Context, a quarterly magazine focused on providing accessible social research, a sexuality and inequality study was conducted with college women regarding one-night stands. From one interview, a woman described “feeling a lot of shame” (after the one-night stand.) She went on to say, “I think I felt like I was definitely upset and I felt like I was — what I did was really slutty. Not something I would have done normally. Just like, I felt kinda dirty.”
When thinking about the double standards of sex, the simple scenario of someone sharing their sexual history and the gender of the storyteller comes to mind. When men are awarded sex and share their “conquest” with their friends, they're congratulated; when women have sex and attempt to share these stories in a similar manner, they aren’t met with the same vigor. Conventional social expectations coupled with fundamentalist religion do not leave room for girls to consider a healthy exploration of sex. Before I even knew what sex was, my mother spoke of its “evils;” that if I wanted to be a “good girl,” I had to abstain from these “sinful desires.” Though there are movements to combat this feeling. A Filipinx femme movement-based storyteller, Moonyeka, is the creator of FLOORGASM, which is a five-part sensual movement floor work class to explore, unravel, and practice harnessing our erotic and orgasmic energy, and @$$WANG, which is a movement lab. With their work, they not only decolonize the idea of sex but promote self-love and body positivity in a holistic, healthy way.
Despite progressive efforts, this mentality stuck with me, and as I entered adolescence, I was conflicted with very different worldviews. I was lucky to have positive women role models who vehemently supported Planned Parenthood, the power of choice, and how my purity was not associated with sexual history. I confided in my aunt — to whom I was comfortable with sharing the severity of my mother’s beliefs — how my mom would take me to school every morning, advising me not to “give myself up” for fear of losing my morals. Even with my aunt’s reassurance and knowing that the entirety of my worth wasn’t tied to a single act, it was difficult to remove that feeling. Honestly, it’s still difficult to not feel that way.
Even without the guidance of my aunt, I would question the very obvious double standard previously mentioned: why are men congratulated for sex, yet women are not? This was the case ten years ago when I was a budding teen, and it is unfortunately still the case. However, with the power of technology, people can share their stories. We can promote sex positivity and prevent young folks from having these feelings of conflict within themselves. We can tell them, go at your own pace. I’m at the age that my aunt was when she was reassuring me that I am not my “body count,” and I hope this article acts as a virtual form of reassurance to those who may not have an adult figure to talk to. While I’m still trying to undo the feeling of shame from harmful messages instilled in me, I understand that I’m autonomous for my body, and we all deserve respect regardless of how many partners we’ve had or how we present ourselves.
Keana Aguila Labra (she/her) is a Tagalog & Cebuana poet, feminist, writer, & advocate for Filipinx voices in the literary arts residing on unceded Ohlone territory. Knowing the importance of representation, she hopes to foster a creative safe space for Filipinx and marginalized communities with her online magazine, Marías at Sampaguitas. She taught a Q&A poetry workshop with Teen Belle Magazine and is slated to host book club sessions in June with Periwinkle Literary Magazine. Her micro-chapbook Natalie is forthcoming with Nightingale & Sparrow.
This Article was edited by EIC Kailah Figueroa and EE Sarah Diver