On Learning to Let Go
TW: Death and Suicide
The concept of finality intimidates most people, myself included. This is why many people will hold on to failed or stagnant relationships, jobs, or even outdated hairstyles in an attempt to maintain a sense of comfort in life, even if that comfort is nothing more than a false illusion.
The notion of letting go is quite broad, and learning how to let go is even broader. Letting go could mean something as simple as letting go of clutter or letting go of clothes that no longer fit. On the other hand, letting go could also entail tough mental and emotional labor. Maybe you’re learning to let go of anger. Maybe you’re learning to let go of how childhood trauma dictates your sense of self. Or, maybe you’re learning to let go of a person who had a significant impact on your life.
Like the rest of us, musicians often examine the broad and subjective concept of letting go as it pertains to their own life experiences. For example, on letting go in an ode to her past self, Qveen Herby advises in her song “Farewell” to “try to trust the process and be present for it all.” On letting go of a family member who passed, Lady Gaga says “baby, you're just movin' on. And I still love you even if I can't see you anymore,” in her song “Joanne.” Ariana Grande lets go of control and pride to allow herself to receive love in her song “pov,” saying “I'ma love you even though I'm scared.”
In November, I wrote an article titled, “I learned that closure was just a social construct” for The Tempest in which I examined my previous misconceptions about closure and decided to find comfort in the healing process instead of waiting for some imagined permission to move on or let go. I’d like to think of this article as a part two or an extension of what I’m learning about healing, closure, letting go, and prioritizing my mental health and overall wellbeing.
Last year, like many other people, I’ve had to learn to let go of a lot. I’ve had childhood friendships end. My undergraduate career ended (with no commencement or celebration to close off what was a major chapter of my life). I’ve had to adjust to abnormal circumstances due to the pandemic and more. All of these changes happening at once harmed my mental health. I was crying frequently, battling suicidal thoughts, and going to sleep, and waking up feeling anxious.
My process towards letting go required months of self-reflection. For me, learning to let go has uncloaked revelations and toxic patterns of behavior. For example, learning to let go made me realize I never truly learned how to forgive people close to me, and I never truly prioritized my mental health. To reflect on my past and my journey towards healing, I journaled often and went on long car rides until I cried- hard- if that’s what I needed to achieve clarity for that day. I decluttered, cleaned, and organized my living space. I also opened up to a loved one, as much as I was comfortable disclosing, about my previous mental health struggles as well as my fears about the future if I didn’t learn to let go of the past.
All of which helped me realize I need to relinquish this illusion of control I think I’m maintaining in my life; whether it be when and how people come and go out of my life, what injustices are happening in the world around me, when things happen that I can’t control, when my mental health slips, or even the symptoms I experience from my poor mental health and… simply learn to let go.
However, oftentimes, when we let go of things, we have conflicted feelings afterward. Memories and nostalgia can make it hard to even want to release something or someone because of the comfort these memories bring us as well as the positive feelings they evoke. Sometimes, nostalgia keeps us company when we’re feeling alone. Notably, positive memories and nostalgia should bring us joy and make us feel good, and we shouldn’t run from those feelings out of fear. As summed up by Yung Pueblo on Instagram, “Letting go does not mean erasing a memory or ignoring the past.” It's important to remember the past is not the present and should guide our future not replicate it. We can fondly keep the best of past memories, but we must let go of what no longer serves us and move forward, even when it hurts because it's for the best.
As humans, we grieve transition. Letting go also requires proper grieving without shame or guilt. With all I’ve given up, let go, or lost, I’ve given myself the space to grieve what mattered to me. So, how do you learn to let go? Just commit to letting go, stand behind it, and trust that you’ll be okay because you know what’s best for you.
We all know healing isn’t linear. And as learning to let go may be a part of your healing process, this won’t be straightforward either. Truly letting go of things we can’t control requires time, real dedication, and maybe even vulnerability. I learned letting go meant choosing peace even if that meant choosing indefinite solitude. I’ll be honest, I’m still learning how to let go, how to forgive, and what are the most effective strategies towards healing. But as I previously mentioned, I’m relinquishing any imagined control I thought I had over life and learning to be comfortable in an uncomfortable emotional space. Ultimately, I’m not looking for closure, as healing isn’t as straightforward as that; rather, I’m looking to be consistently healthy enough to withstand the inevitable ebb and flow of life.
Ebony Purks is a 22-year-old recent college graduate with a Bachelor’s degree in English. She is a freelance writer and blogger and runs a personal blog called Black Girl’s Digest where she writes analyses covering anything from pop culture to current events. Additionally, in her spare time Ebony enjoys binging her favorite shows on Netflix, watching YouTube, practicing yoga, and reading on occasion. Some of her favorite books include “Bad Feminist” by Roxanne Gay and “Letter to My Daughter” by Maya Angelou. Overall, Ebony is a passionate young writer who encourages self-expression, for herself and others, and is always eager to learn something new. You can find her on Instagram @ebpurks