Angels Anonymous
When I got on the scale and acknowledged that I had gained weight, but I didn’t have a breakdown like I would have a year ago. Looking back on the past two years I know mentally and emotionally I have improved so much and I am so incredibly proud of myself for that.
[12:44 AM]
KF: This is incredible! It’s vital to celebrate your victories. Growth is still growth, no matter how small it may seem. We’re so proud of you but what’s most important is that you're proud of yourself. <3
SD: Angel, I am so so proud of you for surviving such a difficult period of your life and I’m so glad you are too. Recognising how far you’ve come, the progress you have made, is such a wonderful thing to be able to do — and that progress is on you! The only thing you need to do now is to continue showing yourself the kindness and compassion you once denied yourself and KEEP GOING. Thank you for sharing this moment with us, angel. I hope you know that we’re rooting for you, every step of the way. And if any of our readers are struggling with something similar, I hope that you can find comfort in this confession, in the knowledge that recovery IS possible — and not only is it possible, it is so worth it too.
I’m scared to open up from the wounds that never healed properly to expressing it to my own work. I second guess life itself, why I was put here, if nothing will ever seem to work out. I'm stuck in a phase of failure and never amounting to anything. Please tell me what to do, I do not want a coffin filled with regrets for the sake of loving myself and my art in one form.
[9:11 PM]
KF: Questioning our existence and purpose is just a part of being alive and growing, learn to hone in on these voices and reflect in a healthy way. Rachel Nuygen said that “worrying is not a productive feeling,” and neither is regret. What good is it to spend so much time thinking about something you may never find the answer to? I don’t think we should cling to understanding “life itself” or “why we were put here.” Not every question necessarily needs an answer, and even if you did know the answer, would you be satisfied? What would you gain from this information? Will it erase your anxieties? Or will it just increase them?
Failure is never a linear process, and neither is success. When you say that you’re “stuck in a phase of failure” remember that phases are temporary and that you can never be stagnant in one place. I think by redefining your definition of failure and what it means may be the best for your situation. There’s this Toni Morrison quote I like where she says that “(as a writer,) a failure is just information… I recognize failure… and fix it, because it is data, it is information, knowledge of what does not work.”
I don't believe we should have to sacrifice our health and healing for the sake of creating more “good art.” I think it’s important to understand that you are the one constant thing in your life. Things will come and go as well as people, but you, your body, your mind, will always remain. You must put that first. You must protect and preserve yourself. No one else will. Why would you neglect the one vessel you have in your life? Self-love should not have to be sacrificed for art, the two can coexist, they must.
SD: Are you afraid of combing through these memories/opening up these wounds because you don’t want to feel the pain that comes with bringing your attention to something you’d rather not acknowledge is there? Or are you afraid that others will judge you for opening up as harshly as you are judging yourself?
Nothing real can ever be perfect — accepting this can be so freeing; resisting it only leads to more pain. Have you considered art as therapy? As a way of processing your emotions and possibly healing the hurt? Because that could be so beneficial to you (and for anyone reading this, honestly). I know it can be daunting and it can feel very uncomfortable at first — but it’s like tending to a wound, you know? At first, it’s gonna sting, but then it will start to soothe.
What can you learn from this ‘phase of failure’ that you feel you are stuck in? You said it yourself, it’s just a phase, even if it feels like it’s dragging on for longer than you can take. I feel like it’s so easy to get wrapped up in what isn’t working in our lives and completely forget about what is, so I ask you, angel, to reflect on the things that are working for you right now. It doesn’t matter what they are or how small they seem. (Like, for example, I’m sleeping really well at the moment, I’ve been feeling super loved and appreciated in my friendships/relationships recently aaaand our cat has been curling up on my lap so much lately and she doesn’t do that often so I’m just… very content when she does.) If you look for the good in a situation, if you seek it out, you will always find something. It just brings you back down and balances things out a little bit.
Now, I mean it when I say this, angel: you’re going to be just fine. You know how I know this? Because you know what isn’t working and you know what’s holding you back. You want to love yourself, to be able to express yourself without feeling like you have to apologise for it, and isn’t that as good a place as any to start? I know you won’t give up on yourself, on the process, your art, any of it. You wouldn’t have reached out to us if you didn’t, on some level, believe this is something you could overcome. You’re just stuck, and that’s okay. It happens. It sucks, but it’s temporary and you will get over it. You will get unstuck. And how do you do that, you ask? By taking action. (And again, it doesn’t matter how small, so long as you start.)
Start expressing yourself through whatever mediums you feel drawn to. Start without filtering, without editing, without judging or critiquing yourself, even if you want to. Resist the urge to give those thoughts a voice. Can you try that for me, angel?
As it says in our statement, ‘We don’t strive for perfection. Instead, production.’ I feel like it’s very important to adopt that mentality, especially when it comes to starting something new, especially if you identify as a girl (as sometimes, I feel we are only encouraged to speak/to share our minds if they are perfect and polished and totally necessary contributions). ‘Cause that’s when your individual, authentic voice comes through — when you get out of your own way!
It’s gonna sting at first, but it will get easier. Things will start to shift, and that’s a promise. Be gentle with yourself, angel, as you figure things out. It takes time, but you’ve already started, and you’re gonna be just fine.
Dear angels,
How do I forgive them?
I felt pressured into that relationship, but when they asked if I was comfortable, I always said yes (I wasn’t ready to say no).
I loved them so much, just not in that way.
I told them we’d get married one day.
They were always so kind, and they gave me so much, and they helped me grow into someone who could learn to say no, and learn when I wanted to say it, and when I had to.
I think I broke their heart when I left them. I broke mine too.
I’m with someone else now (way too soon, but I was so excited about my new ability to say no that my yes suddenly seemed a thousand times more powerful, and now, surprisingly, we’ve settled into happiness and genuine love, of the kind I couldn’t give before).
I forgive them, mostly, but really, how do I forgive myself? We both made mistakes, but mine feel inexcusable at times (I always said I loved them, I always said it was okay, I always said I was happy— until I realized I wasn’t). I broke their heart and that I can’t forgive.
We don’t talk anymore, and apologizing (and how?) feels like it would be only for me.
Please help.
—One last message from the stars
[8:00 PM]
KF: You said you’ve “settled into happiness” with this new love, what good does it do, reminiscing and choosing to live in the past? You can’t be present in the remains of an older relationship and the new one you’re in now. It’s not fair to your partner and it’s definitely not fair to you. Choose this new happiness—this new genuine love. Forgiveness is such a heavy thing, but forgiving yourself is the first step. If you feel like you should apologize, then do it selflessly and don’t expect anything in return. But also think about what you truly want out of this forgiveness/apology. Will it alleviate the hurt or open your already mended wounds? Will you truly find solace in the past and finally be able to live in your new happiness? Is it an excuse just to speak to them again? Or is it truly what you believe will set you free? Whatever the reason may be, think long and hard about it. Be sure of what you want and why you want it, as this action can’t be undone.
SD: Hey angel,
I’m so glad to hear that you’ve found happiness and genuine love with another — the next thing you need to do is to find it with yourself!
Over the years, I feel like I’ve read a thousand different things about forgiveness yet the concept is still one I find hard to wrap my head around. I know I’m not alone in this confusion, and I think there’s a comfort in that.
I’m sorry to hear that you felt pressured into that relationship, not ready to say yes but also not quite ready to say no. I’m sorry your partner didn’t see/chose not to see the signs of your discomfort. I know that you are able to recognise how your words may have been misleading, but even so, I’m sorry you didn’t feel that you could express your feelings openly and truthfully.
How did you come to forgive this other person? And do you think you transferred more of the blame onto yourself in order to do this? Just something to consider.
You say you broke their heart, and in doing that, broke yours too. I know it feels awful to know you hurt someone else, however unintentional it may have been, but what’s done is done. You can’t change what happened. You can only try and move on from it as best you can.
However hurt this person was, they were able to handle it, and eventually, come out the other end. Continuing to beat yourself up over such a complicated and unfortunate situation isn’t helping either one of you. You were doing the best you could with what you had been given. It’s not your fault for realising your true feelings so late in the game. Uncomfortable truths tend to surface at the worst possible time — there is no right time for these heart-shattering kind of realisations.
You weren’t right for this person and they weren’t right for you. You had to end it. What other choice did you have? Continuing to pretend that nothing was wrong wouldn’t have been fair to either of you. You loved them, so you couldn’t go on lying to them like that now that you knew what you knew. You loved them, so you had to leave and let them go.
I know your choices have haunted you, but in the end you made the right call and you know it. Once you left, once it was all out in the open, a new love drifted into your life, and this time, you were ready for it. But you still feel guilty for the choices you made to get there, like you don’t deserve happiness now, like you don’t deserve your genuine love because of your past.
I’m starting to learn that forgiveness doesn’t mean making peace with a far-from-ideal situation. Forgiveness, to me, is simply when you find it in you to move forward from it, to not let your past dictate your future, stand in the way of your happiness or prevent you from living your life. Forgiveness, ultimately, is for you, so even if texting that person would lift a weight off your shoulders, is that such a bad thing? The fact that you care enough to reach out to this person and admit your wrongdoings/apologise/ask for forgiveness shows so much strength of character and an undeniable willingness to change for the better, and from the sound of it, you already have. Look, everyone makes mistakes. No one deals with a messy situation perfectly — sometimes simply making it through it is the best one can hope for. You are not a bad person, you simply weren’t ready for that relationship and didn’t know how to respond, and in order for you to move forward, you need to recognise this. You need to show yourself some empathy, just as you empathised with this person along the road to forgiving them. Yes, it was shitty that you couldn’t be to this person what you were to them, but that’s it! It’s a shitty situation to be stuck in but you are older and wiser and now have the tools to not make the same mistake twice.
So now, my angel, I ask you: what have you learned from your mistakes? What wisdom can you take with you as you move away from it? You aren’t perfect, but that’s completely normal! You are so much more than your mistakes. So don’t let them define you.
We have all hurt the ones we love/the ones who love us at times. Unfortunately, when you open yourself up to love, you also open yourself up to the possibility of heartbreak. But that doesn’t stop us from loving one another — it’s just a factor we have to take into consideration when we give someone our hearts. If you want to honour this person, if you want to forgive them and let them go, you will stop hurting yourself in their name. ‘Cause I’m sure, even after having their heart broken themselves, they wouldn’t wish that on you.
I’m gonna put this last part in all caps NOT because I am yelling at you but to emphasise its importance (like a TL;DR of this long-ass response… or like, how Jenny Holzer would respond to this message). Take care, angel, and try to see yourself through the eyes of your new love, because you have grown since what happened, you have changed. You deserve forgiveness and you deserve happiness and you deserve genuine love, from others AND from yourself:
YOU DON’T HAVE TO CONDONE WHAT YOU DID. YOU SIMPLY HAVE TO REALISE THAT YOU ARE SO MUCH MORE THAN IT. THAT YOU WANT TO DO BETTER. THAT YOU ALREADY ARE. ONLY THEN CAN YOU LET IT GO.
I am wading in fear. I know the future scares everyone, that it’s human nature to shudder at the unknown, but I am terrified. My whole life has been devoted to proving everyone wrong. According to statistics and experience, I’m going to be as fucked up as my parents are. I’m going to spend the rest of my life not knowing how to love, struggling to survive, addicted to alcohol or men who are no good for me. I’m going to start a family and destroy it. And as much as I pretend to believe in myself, I believe in the cycle more. I’ve been working my fingers to the bone since I was four years old—pouring myself over books and homework and essays to pave the way for a future that I want. My grades are good. My extracurriculars are good. My applications are good. But they aren’t enough to prove everyone wrong in the way that I have always wanted to. It has been my lifelong dream to go to Brown, to sift my way from a broken home to a rich kid haven, to pave my way to ultimate success, but I am simply not good enough. If I am honest with myself, I have no idea where I’ll end up. It is my biggest fear to open every college letter and realize they are all rejections. It is so terrifying and heartbreaking to me that you can work as hard as physically possible and still not accomplish whatever you were working towards. Hard work, sometimes—often, means nothing. How can I ever come to terms with that?
[1:36 AM]
KF: If you are making actions in order to prove people wrong, you have already lost. You were not put on this earth to exist for anyone else but yourself. You have to touch life again, remember what you want, and what you are here for. Success and vengeance cannot be synonyms. I really believe that the language we use to describe ourselves manifests itself, whether it be negative or positive. Really reflect on the words you use, instead of saying “I’m not good enough” try “I am not where I want to be, but that’s okay, I can work to improve in this area.” You have to talk to yourself with more care, with more attention and love. You would never talk to a loved one or a best friend like this, why say these things about yourself? Have confidence in your ability, in your words, in your dreams. All of the things you want in this life are attainable. Don’t cling on to the idea of proving others wrong, focus your energy on yourself, on putting all your attention on what you want. Prove to yourself that you can do anything, not the people around you. Turn you back on the imaginary audience you're performing for, and exist for the most important person: You.
SD: Okay angel, let me just start by saying that I promise you, like, really promise, that the future is not going to turn out as terrible as the picture your mind keeps painting. You wanna know how I know this? Because your mind is painting the absolute worst-case scenario and rarely, if ever, are our minds spot-on about these sorts of things. Are you a time-traveller? (I’m guessing not, but on the off chance that you are, we’d love to interview you for our site!) So how can you possibly know what the future has in store for you?
I want you to take a second to picture the absolute best-case scenario for me, to entertain the possibility of a future where you feel content. What does that look like for you? And how does it feel to consider what could go right instead of focusing on what could go wrong? Because that’s the thing, anxiety only focuses on the bad things that could happen, but there’s a whole other end of possibilities to explore. I know at first it might feel really unnatural to think about your future going in the opposite direction to what your anxiety is telling you — but it’s worth taking into account. Realistically, your future won’t turn out like you imagined (because again, you are not a time-traveller). However, that doesn’t mean you can’t influence where it might lead. So angel, the question you need to ask yourself isn’t, ‘What kind of future am I destined for?’ But rather, ‘What kind of future am I actively taking steps towards realising?’
I wanna ask you, angel, are you trying to prove others wrong or yourself? Who are you doing all of this for? And do you think that ‘proving everyone wrong’ is a good enough motive for your life? Is there a better place you could direct your energy? You can’t live your life for others, angel, especially those who don’t know you/aren’t rooting for you. You have to live for yourself. If the love you have for yourself is conditional/depends only on external validation, you will never feel like enough.
You need to remember that your worth is innate, that social status/money isn’t a measure of success. If going to Brown and becoming wealthy would make you happy, by all means, strive for it! But you need to make sure that you can cultivate happiness within yourself and not just from these outside sources. Say you didn’t get into any colleges, (again, a very unlikely scenario), would that just be it for you? Would you just stop trying after that? End up settling for a life you were so sure you didn’t want? Because I don’t think you would. I think you’d explore your options and seek out alternative routes to get where you want to go. And yes, I’m sure it would feel like the world is ending at first, that the path you’ve been following all this time turned out to be a dead end, but you would handle it, and eventually, you would find another road to take.
You will be the one to break the cycle because you dread living in it so much that you will never allow yourself to go down that road. That sounds… really blunt when I say it, but it’s true. All of the things you worry will happen in your life, all of the things you want to avoid, they can be helped. You can learn to love yourself and others, wholly, compassionately and unconditionally. ('All About Love' by bell hooks is a good place to start.) You can learn to heal the wounds of your past and you can learn to swim in your fear when you feel it as opposed to drowning in its depths. You can learn to channel the energy you once spent worrying about what others will think of you into nurturing yourself and your abilities.
Your hard work will never mean nothing. It will always lead somewhere so long as you are acting in your best interests to facilitate your growth, so please look after yourself, angel, and don’t work yourself to the bone. Doing your best is not synonymous with burning yourself out. You don’t always have to give 100%. You’re worth more than that anyway.
I’m stuck. I can’t leave home because of my current financial situation, but being at home inhibits me from seeking new opportunities. Every time I think I have a foot in the door, the thought of my debt causes me to retract. What should I do?
[11:23AM]
KF: Telling someone to “not live in their head” seems like the coldest joke I could ever say. But I think there's a bit of freedom in believing that what is meant to be will be, and not dwelling on uncertainty. I don’t know the extent of your situation, in fact, it’s hard to form a response with this little information. But I know when thinking about finances and opportunities that I may want to pursue, I always love to write everything down, visualize it, research and ask for help so I can get closer and closer to these aspirations. It all starts with the first step, committing to it, and being purposeful with where you spend your money and time.
SD: Look, I’m not gonna pretend I’m an expert on finances because I am a teenager and I don’t have a job — BUT! I can give you some advice on changing your approach to the situation. What opportunities does being at home inhibit you from seeking out? What do you see for yourself in your daydreams (career-wise, I’m guessing). How did you get there? Is there anything you can do today to take steps towards realising those aspirations? How does your current financial situation accommodate those steps? And in what way is it holding you back?
I was watching this Ari Lennox interview the other day and she was talking about how she was reached out to and asked to fly to L.A for a song-writing session with J. Cole, and she said no! Because she’d JUST gotten a new job and she was so worried about her financial situation that she didn’t want to risk losing it over one studio session (also she had a fear of flying). But in the end, she had to do it. She had to take the risk because the potential rewards of going far outweighed the positives of staying where she was.
The worst that can happen is that you end up back at home, where you already are, so what’s the harm in seeing what kind of opportunities there are out there and then seeing if the risk of taking them is worth the reward. Just remember: no one ever gained anything from staying home.
I need help. My humor is weird, it’s really passive sometimes and comes off as rude and people hate me when I literally thought they knew I was joking. Also no I can't cut off those people because they don’t understand my humor, I mean it’s almost everybody in my life. Also, I'm always a devil's advocate and idk how to unbecome one!!!!!
[1:34 PM]
KF: I think we develop our humor from the people around us, and our life experiences really dictate what we may find amusing or not funny at all. Maybe ask yourself why do I find the things I find funny? Why is this amusing to me? And think about where it comes from in your inner world. Is this a projection of something bigger? Think about how your humor may negatively affect those around you. There are many things to laugh at in the world, and many things that will never be funny, where does your humor fall in all of that?
SD: Do you consider your sense of humour absolutely essential to who you are as a person? Because I don’t want to encourage someone to change core parts of themselves to accommodate others, but I think changing the way you express your sense of humour doesn’t cross that line.
If most of the people in your life are getting offended when in your mind you are clearly joking, what does that say about your sense of humour? Do you think you could tone it down a little bit for the comfort of others? Where did you get your sense of humour from? Why do you find the jokes you make so funny? And what do you think it is about them that other people don’t appreciate?
I want to share this video with you as it came to mind almost immediately after I read your message. It’s about Graham Norton (lol) but they talk about how he gets away with the type of humour he uses. I don’t know if you’ll find it helpful but it just shows that there’s a fine line between teasing someone and just being mean.
As for you always being a devil’s advocate: before you come in with an opposing/unpopular opinion to spice up a conversation, ask yourself ‘do I agree with this point of view? What is the reason for this being an unpopular stance (in general or amongst the people having the argument)? And is it absolutely necessary to advocate for it just because no one else is?
To our Readers:
If you have any words or thoughts or links that you believe may be useful to the anonymous writers, leave them in the comments below! Let’s create a community where we can all help each other.
Love,
Kailah & Sarah