When I think about self-care, several things come to mind: Donna and Tom from Parks and Recreation, exercise, indulgence, and beauty products. However, as I’ve gotten older, my idea of self-care continues to evolve and expand. 

           At the moment, self-care for me means that I’m developing (and strengthening) my sense of self. I grew up being a people-pleaser my whole life, which was shaped by years of being bullied and left out of groups.  I felt like I was too weird, too different, too messy, and too annoying to exist; which meant that I needed to suppress parts of myself and edit them to make it more palatable for other people. There were several ways that I manifested my messiness: First, I am a very talkative person--I liked to recite in class and just butt in conversations with anyone I talk to. If I’m comfortable with you, I will talk passionately about things that matter to me.  At work and at home, I wasn’t systematic or organized in a conventional sense, but I had coping mechanisms and workarounds that helped me get things done and help others. Growing up with barely any friends to talk with, it was hard to assimilate with people around my age and keep up with the things that they are into. I used the internet and my books to help me interact with the world better, despite being socially inept. Because of my weirdness, I felt pressured to be seen as “normal.” In that process, not being “normal” meant that I felt that I was being constantly underestimated or overlooked.  Feeling frustrated, I wanted to prove those people wrong. In order to achieve this, I aligned my goals, dreams, and responsibilities in life with that desire so that I can gain their acceptance and respect to a degree. 

While I do admit that those thoughts helped me get things done to an extent, I realized that my constant need to prove others wrong is an exhausting and fruitless exercise that I will never gain anything from. After going through a traumatic job experience four years ago, I went through a slump that was nearly impossible to overcome. Even though that slump gave me time and space to begin my journey as a writer, I still carried a lot of resentment, unhealthy coping mechanisms, and self-destructive thoughts after that slump. I still craved for external validation from others and I tied my self-worth to the work that I have. At that time, I thought, “I have to succeed and learn from my past work experience, so I have to immerse myself fully into the job.” As a result, I threw myself into work, I stayed late, assimilated to corporate cultures, and took on different roles and tasks until I had no longer to give. While immersing myself in different responsibilities felt fulfilling, the systems that were in place were not conducive for me. To cope, I held on to behaviors and mindsets that allowed me to be unkind to myself and self-destructive. I did not have the self-discipline to take care of myself. Not to mention, I constantly feel like I was running on empty because I didn’t have a strong sense of self. Eventually, all these negative thoughts and feelings came to my head. No matter how much I tried to improve my life while juggling the work that I was doing, the negativity and self-loathing lingered. Inevitably, I got fed up with my situation, which made me realize that I needed to do the work to truly work on myself. 

  I made the conscious decision to leave spaces that were detrimental to my own well-being. I left a work environment that wasn’t suitable for me, and gradually limited interactions with the people who made me feel less. Afterward, I started to make a conscious effort to take care of myself and my needs by sticking to healthier routines, such as eating healthier, working out, journaling, and visiting a counselor. Having these healthier habits help me develop my sense of self, by being more in touch with my needs and goals in life. 

However, I do admit that self-care doesn’t have to be this isolating, privilege-riddled process. While I am immensely privileged to have the time and means to engage in healthier routines more freely for myself, I realized that genuine self-care involves stepping outside of your own bubble and practicing compassion, empathy, and kindness towards others. It feels less alienating and more encouraging. Because of these realizations, I discovered that strengthening my sense of self can coexist with the continuous practice of kindness and compassion towards others. 

Lea Bolante is a 25-year old Filipina writer. Born and raised in Manila, Philippines, Lea has worked on various roles in the advertising industry, but writing remains her true love. She is learning not to attach her accomplishments and her work to her self-worth. Her writing focuses on beauty, pop culture, and processing life. You can follow her on Instagram and Twitter at @leabolante. 

This article was edited by EIC Kailah Figueroa