Jelly Bean + Razor Blade
Razor Blade is a seventh-grade queer kid. She is a misandric truant mostly known for having hot-pink hair and being the Loner Goth because she makes fun of Bauhaus in front of the other Goths that stick together and are part of a coven. She doesn't care though. She makes cupcakes instead of caring. She makes delicious cupcakes and decorates them with sugar-powder spiders and chocolate bats and dances around to The Cure with frosting all over her face as happy as can be.
Today she has a date with a girl she's been crushing on since she first saw her a few days ago. Razor Blade was lacing up a pair of violet Creepers when she saw a girl walk in with blue hair and a studded denim vest. This girl is the only girl besides Razor Blade that has a comparable love for truancy and black lipstick. This girl's name is Jelly Bean.
Razor Blade hasn't been to school in exactly a week. Razor Blade's favorite schedule is going to school in time for History class and then leaving before Algebra. Sometimes she stays for Physical Education if it's something fun involving hitting people or hip thrusting, but she never stays for running or anything with teams.
Jelly Bean hates most people but likes Razor Blade. When Jelly Bean likes someone, she likes them a lot, because she has a lot of love and she's been holding back from giving it to people she didn't think were deserving of it. Jelly Bean is so excited for her date with Razor Blade that she dyed her hair a different color. Jelly Bean can't wait for Razor Blade to see her orange hair tangled with black ribbons and plastic heart barrettes.
Razor Blade is delighted to spend time with Jelly Bean today, but first she has to make it through her first day back at school.
Luckily, Razor Blade has a power. Razor Blade can put the souls of celebrities into her teachers, as well as figures of authority, for exactly thirteen minutes at a time.
Razor Blade attributes her power to being raised by her Wiccan mother, who died when she was two. She was later adopted by tabloid journalists. Before Razor Blade could learn to talk or concentrate on incantations, she grew up with TMZ. The National Enquirer was the source of bedtime stories. To her, Snow White was just something Lindsay Lohan snorted.
Razor Blade has reached the maximum amount of legal days to be absent from school. If she doesn't go to each period of class today, her adoptive parents will find out. Razor Blade won't get her allowance anymore, which will stop her from saving enough money to buy the Hello Kitty mobile home. She’s been saving up for it since she was old enough to understand that money equals power, and power equals freedom.
Razor Blade survives English by turning her teacher into Courtney Love for a few minutes. “I need a fucking cigarette,” the teacher says emphatically and leaves the room. By the time she comes back, she looks confused and tells everyone it's Silent Reading Time.
Razor Blade sleeps through Social Studies and Science without any problems. She's refreshed from her nap enough to enjoy History class.
Now it's Physical Education. She's been waiting for this one. Last class of the day. She can do this. She changes in the dressing room into the shirt that fits her like a dress and the mesh shorts that fall to her knees. She keeps her Creepers on.
Razor Blade got the mind of Amy Winehouse inside of the gym teacher. “Fuck it,” was all he said, and walked out of the school.
Razor Blade and the other students went back inside the locker room to change. She spent some time on her make-up, and then used the extra time to stand right outside Jelly Bean's last class of the day: Computers.
Jelly Bean walked out of class looking tired, but then jumped in surprise as soon as she saw Razor Blade.
“Hey!” Jelly Bean said while suffocating Razor Blade with a hug.
“I'm so glad you made it through the day!” Razor Blade said to Jelly Bean. She couldn't stop smiling.
“Me too,” said Jelly Bean.
“Do you want to go out to eat? There's an ice cream truck that always comes to the park after school.”
“No, I don't spend money,” Jelly Bean explained. “I only save it. Let's go to my house and eat strawberries. I grow them myself.”
“I love strawberries!” Razor Blade said. “I save money too. Are you saving up for something special?”
“No,” Jelly Bean answered. “I just haven't found anything worthy of my money yet.”
“Nice,” Razor Blade said. “I'm saving up for a Hello Kitty mobile home.”
Jelly Bean was silent for a few seconds. “How close are you to buying it?” she asked.
“A few thousand,” Razor Blade said slowly.
"That's about what I have saved up. Let's buy a Hello Kitty mobile home and never go to school again. We can sell my strawberries for cash. What do you say?"
"As long as I can make cupcakes in it, and play The Cure, and never have to listen to Bauhaus or Algebra lectures again."
"Yes! Of course!"
Razor Blade looked at Jelly Bean dreamily. "I really love your new hair color, you know."
Jelly Bean kissed Razor Blade and Razor Blade was so delighted that she grabbed Jelly Bean by her orange hair and rolled around the grass with her.
Jelly Bean and Razor Blade began their sweet mobile lives together, traveling across America, selling strawberries so delicious that each customer bought in bulk.
Even in the context of a Hello Kitty RV, impulsive let's-run-away-together realities are never without their drama. There were reports of robberies wherever Jelly Bean and Razor Blade went. At first, local authorities and the supervisors of liquor store cashiers didn't notice anything. Even the ones that did notice a few missing items didn't think too much of it and blamed it on cute girls that flirted their way into free sodas and candy bars.
It was only Denny's that reported an unpaid bill of fifteen Grand Slams. No one figured out how it all happened. All that Jelly Bean and Razor Blade left in their trails were disoriented cashiers and customers who swore they saw killer Johnny Cash impressions.
And so then Jelly Bean and Razor Blade really lived happily ever after, traveling across America, selling strawberries when they could actually grow them from inside a decked-out Hello Kitty trailer, and in the company of such charming souls as Jayne Mansfield, James Dean, and George Carlin, doing all of their shopping thirteen minutes at a time.
elizabeth aldrich is a girl alone in her room.